Change

(The Lion King)

Rafiki: "Oh, change is good"

Simba: "Hey, what did you do that for?" (hit on head by Rafiki)

Rafiki: "It doesn't matter, it's in the past"

Simba "Yea but it still hurts"

Rafiki "Ah yes, the past can hurt"

Looking back over this past year, there have been a lot of changes in my life. Mostly good, though a lot that inspire me to reflect on my previous outlook on life.

A lot of it comes back to life experiences. I was very shy when I was younger and got bullied in school. I was always very timid in relationships and usually got dumped when the next best thing came a long.

These experiences left me very bitter; I lost faith in humanity. I had no desire to interact with people on anything more than a civil passing acquaintance, and kept it as short as possible.

I've operated in this defensive/withdrawn state for close to 25 years. I'm no closer to my dreams, I'm only bitter, lonely, and likely a bit cynical.

Then we started going to Witchcamp!! The first year there was very difficult. Being born and raised in a Baptist backwater town, having only studied paganism as solitaries, it was a bit overwhelming to see strangers being so friendly, so "hug hug, kiss kiss" with one another and welcoming to newbies. This did nothing for my social awkwardness. But somehow, I knew, If I could get past my bitterness and fear, that this was home. Something I could relate to and that would make life worthwhile and make sense. The second year was much easier we already knew a few people there and hung out with them. I even wrote some poetry and read it in ritual!!

Last year was my third year and was the best yet. I reconnected with old friends, we did a lot of ritual work together and deepened our friendships. I went against my own gut instinct of being reclusive and made a point to be an impromptu mentor to new campers. I took a bards path, It was large (30+ people) in a 13x13 tent. And we're suppose to dance and write and vision and share these experiences.. How fuckin scary is that? But I survived. I vowed that by the end of the week I would meet and try to remember everyones name.. I talked to everyone, And remembered most of their names.

By the end of the week I was so tied to the energy, I couldn't imagine how I'd ever return to the muggle world. I always leave camp with such good intentions of how I'm not going to let anything effect my good feelings, and I'm going to keep it going, that usually last until I get home. This year was different though. I vowed to try and remain open to new ideas, to keep pushing my boundaries. While I'm still cautious, I am more receptive to differing points of view and to meeting new people.

We've been going to the local UU sunday service and the pagan group for a few months now and it's great. I don't yet feel the close-knit community feeling I get at witchcamp. But It is good to have some other folks to share with. I think it's mostly me.This area (midwest) is very conservative, so one is often, by necessity, very closeted.

One of the things I so love is that UU and pagan group are not just talk talk talk like some of the meetups we've been to. Talk is great but sometimes you need to act. In the short time we've been there we've done a march for peace, there is food drives for local food pantry, we did a stand in for solidarity with the local Islam center. Just a great bunch of people.

Something that I've discovered is that you don't have to out yourself to do this "good work". Often people assume if you're doing good you must be a christian… whatever. I might have been hung up on that in the past. Why bicker over it. Good work is good work no matter. And the work, to me is THE point.

The more I get involved with these actions, the more I want to do. I'd love to go into the peace corps… education is all that holds me back, and yet not really, there is a lot you can do right at home. Better the world one community at a time.

My biggest issue now is where to start. There is just so much to do, one can easily get stuck in the mire of all the catastrophe going on around us. How do you decide what's important to you, or do you? Is it selfish to look to what's important to you? Maybe not decide, just jump in where help is needed.

I'm trying to get it all sorted in my mind, not an easy task with all the clutter. I've several ideas but I need to sit down and write it out.

With the recent death of my father-in-law, it's really hit home.. I'm 37 and I'm no place I want to be, doing nothing I want to do. Most of the men in my family have died around 40 from heart issues and I'm right there with high BP, bad diet, and little exercise. My old demeanor keeps coming through, "who cares about anything, you'll be dead in a few more years".. Maybe, but If those next few years could be productive, it would be life well spent, and would certainly fade those old wounds.

So while I may talk like I don't give a shit about dying, truth is I'm scared shitless by the idea, not of dying, but of not doing something worthwhile while I'm here.

Jack Savoretti said it best:

"'Cause it's not where you go when you die
It's how you live when you're alive
Who you touch and how you feel it

And it's not about the time that you have
It's how you cry and how you laugh
Who you love and how you mean it
And do you mean it"

I've also found things I'm looking for appear when I need them… Kind of scary for a newbie but I'm not going to question it. Just use it well

For instance: I've been studying about staring a farm/market garden sort of endeavor. I get so excited about the endeavor. I'm certain it's something I could excel at.. Then I start thinking about how much it will cost, and how I could never get a loan, and I don't have any experience. And I try to think of solutions to the problem.. I might think or ask out loud.. what do I need to do to to overcome these obstacles and get to where I need/want to be?

Suddenly a 2 books appear on the library shelf :

"Stop overreacting: effective strategies for calming your emotions"

"The one thing holding you back: releasing the power of emotional connection"

Just sayin

Blessed Be